Slimm is in a mood. He hasn’t had his coffee or his sausage biscuit, and it is cold outside. Slimm doesn’t do well when cold, hungry, and decaffeinated.
We are running a call for a “sick person” who “doesn’t feel well” at an office building. Your typical Monday morning call. “Please. I don’t want to be at work either” Slimm mutters as we get out of the ambulance.
We make our way to the patient. She wants to go to a hospital 30 miles away, past 5 other hospitals that are perfectly capable of handling her lack of a medical problem. Coincidentally, the hospital of her choice is around the corner from her home. The patient is playing opossum, which is absolutely fine with us.
As we leave, we get accosted. By a security guard.
“What’s going on? What is wrong with her?”
Slimm responds. “Nothing, ma’am.”
“Is she going to the hospital? What hospital are you going to? What’s wrong with her?” She even has a clipboard in her hand, a pen perfectly poised to record the details of her exciting shift.
“We really can’t tell you anything, ma’am.”
“You have to tell me, I need to put it in my report. I’m in charge of security here.”
Slimm stops walking as a fireman and I continue walking with the patient through a lobby. His voice rises, and we are still able to hear him.
“Fine. She has NUNNYAtitis, her condition can be described as NUNNYA, and we are taking her to NUNNYA Medical Center. Put that in your report.”